I never really knew why but before we'd play I channeled into the energy of the music. Especially now because things are more honest and emotionally driven. From the first note to the end, I get the urge to lose myself in what's going on. Sometimes it causes me make some poor decisions but it's where the music takes me. It takes me to the edge of who I am and makes me face a lot of difficult things in my life. Everything I've written about has been very personal, whether you can read into it and get that feeling or not. For example: (A line from the new song "Titan")
"I live a life of misconception and misery." People believe that just because I have a smile on my face that everything is alright, that every time they talk to me they're going to get this person who is full of joy. I'm not. For a long time and probably for a while to come, my life has absolutely sucked. I fucked around and screwed up my school situation. I've made sacrifices for this band that have severely harmed relationships I've had in the past. My family life was up and down for a while. My Mom and Dad had cancer scares. I broke my cheek bone and eye-socket that still doesn't have all the feeling back in it but I'm too afraid to tell anyone because I'm afraid to face the truth that it may never come back. Things recently kind of got shitty but brightened back up. Don't expect me to be as fresh as a daisy every time you see me. I'm a person who has ups and downs just like everyone else.
Another example (from The Alchemist):
"I hope you can understand, why I'm leaving you, in the absence of death, I am the end." I wrote this in a daze one night, half out of it because my brain was fried from the extensive studying that I do on a daily basis. I woke up the next morning and read it again. It just made sense. The song itself has to do with how I turn everything gold in my life to sand. I try not to, I put every ounce of myself into a my life, maybe that's my problem, regardless it happens. Sometimes I want to pack up my things and leave, just start walking across the Desert that is the United States in hopes of finding new land that has never seen civilization and set up camp. Getting back to the line itself, "I hope you can understand why I'm leaving you," is me giving up and telling my family that I'm sorry but I have brought no happiness to the earth. I am no ray of sunshine that you thought I should live up to. I am leaving them in search of the metaphysical. "In the absence of death, I am the end." This is me explaining that if I stick around I may find solace in the static life I live. It is either death or ruin all things from there.
I've tried my best to show pieces of me that don't normally get exposed. Sometimes you'll find me punching myself in the head, slamming my fists against the floor, trying to put a microphone through my forehead, trying to stomp holes in the floor, closing my eyes and losing myself, reaching up and making awkward had gestures, or kneeling on the ground hoping to find purpose. You may hear me say some pretty awkward things like, "I am a garage flower, The sun never shines on me," or "DJ Jazzy John play that beat back." This is all my release from reality. My search for substance outside of the physical constraints of politically correct America. I give everything and leave nothing. I give myself to a groove that has no rhyme or reason. A long time ago I realized and became accustomed to realization that I may one day die and never come back, I may never see the people I love, I may just be dead, worm food, there may not be a happy ending waiting for me, dead may just be dead. I'm not sure and I'm not about to get into a discussion regarding religion. I guess my point is, I'm not living my life with the understanding that I may die at any time and that scares me but what brings me solace is that I'll leave behind a grain of sand on the beach that is eternity. Maybe it'll be washed away or maybe not, but at least I'll have tried.
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