Endings:

Possibly. I know no one really reads this thing so it'll be easier to get my thoughts out here without a million questions. I've been stuck in the same routine for years. Well, lack of routine. It's not like I haven't been excited to develop expression and have fun doing what I'm doing. I never wanted to make it big or make tons of money, (although it would be nice so I could pay my bills and my parents wouldn't have to help me so much). I have too much shit going on to leave for months at a time. Things just change I guess. People are moving, things are getting more spread out, life is starting for some people, for me it's been started and hasn't stopped. I have a lot of responsibility with baseball and things getting crazier. I had to give it up sooner or later I guess with myself going to graduate school but I thought it'd last for a little longer. I wanted to live my youth forever. Never would I have imagined that I affected so many people. That so many people would appreciate what we do. That young people would come up to me while I was out and say hello and know my name. That people would know the words to our songs. That it would last so long. It's awkward at times but I really did appreciate it. I've been on cloud 9 for the past five years and haven't come down. If there's one thing that I can say about it that I regret, it's that I didn't appreciate it enough while it's here.

In a small hole, tucked deep into the pine barrens, beneath a rotted out oak....

Baseball camp. It's been keeping me sane as of right now. I just love working with kids and teaching them about the game I love. I've been attempting to work on this paper but keep getting sidetracked. I've been trying to read some of the book that a coaching friend of mine bought me just to say thanks for helping them with the American Legion Baseball team they put together. It's called three nights in august and is an amazing story of strategy used by the great Tony LaRusa of the Cardinals. It really is interesting.

Last night was amazing though. For the first time in four years, since graduating high school, I played in my first competitive baseball game at third base. I coach an American Legion Baseball team and we only had eight kids show up in Jackson. It seemed that all was lost but luckily the coach of their team said I could play third but I just couldn't hit. So I played, with no cup, trying to protect the family heirlooms. I had five put outs and started two double plays. It was just a rush. I don't know if I put the nails in the coffin for my lust to play the game yesterday or opened a new can of worms. It felt so good to be there, to be part of a team, and to play hard. I love to work physically. It keeps me comfortable. To sweat is to feel joy. Haha.

Today was also pretty awesome. I went to get food with the baseball coaches I work with at the baseball camp to celebrate the fact that we finished the entire three weeks. When we got there and walked in I realized that the hostess was a old friend of mine who I haven't seen in ages. She looked awesome and was the same as I remember her. I had such a crush on her from seventh grade until, well I guess now. I've always just enjoyed her company. I talked to her for what seemed like a few minutes but was really a few hours and got made fun of by the guys for kind of ditching them. They were alright with it though. I was supposed to go out tonight but I'm too tired.

P.S. Missy rules. She keeps me sane. I analyze everything too much. Sometimes things are just simple.

If they ever tell my story, Let them Know I walked with Giants

What a tough weekend. Three hours up the parkway on a sunny Saturday afternoon. The July heat boiling beads of sweat down my forehead. The entire time I was just thinking, I can't believe it's over. The song in my heart kept playing, the record never getting old, only getting louder with age. The band however, halting. Sticking it's heals into the dirt to bring it's marvelous ride to a dead halt. The band itself will forever hold a place in my heart, and the people who were part of it will always be like brothers. Older brothers who would tell you to keep your chin up when you didn't want to take your eyes off your awkward feet. Who told you to work harder when you failed. Who gave you advice when it seemed like the world was all falling apart around you. "Don't be afraid to Wake the sleeping Giant." All lanes now open on the George Washington Bridge heading into New York. Looking over the edge, down into the water. I bobbed my head to the current, to the rhythm. They had made so many waves, they had changed the landscape of the noise, they had exposed the flaws of so many mediocre bands who tried so hard to be them, they changed the outlook of an anger filled adolescent searching for a purpose in a life filled with fear. We are all strong enough to bare change. This a lesson learned.

I looked into the rear view mirror and saw only my reflection. My cheeks were flush red, just like the first time I saw them and shared with them what their music meant to me. I stumbled to find the words to convey to them how they inspired me as a musician and as a person. How I had been thinking about dropping out of school. How I was so scared of failing that I had thought of ending my own life. How when I heard their record, "...and still our time" I was uplifted with a feeling that no other music group had ever done to me before. They had inspired me to be better. How sometimes we are tested in the most awkward of ways and we must always prevail and push forward. Our van rumbled through the parkways and thruways of New York. We were minutes closer to our destination and I still didn't know whether to smile or cry. Every time they came through our area, it was a celebration. It was a reason to strap your smile on wide and throw shoes on your feet and take a road trip with friends and family to see them. A reunion where you knew you were going to hear some new stories.

Then, there next Indianola Records release, "Ignite and Rebuild" and it captured everything that was good about hardcore. The positive mentality while still being slightly aggressive. Whether you believe in God or Jesus Christ at all, as Life In Your Way does, you have to realize that they are putting forward a positive message with a moral code. Many musicians do this lyrically but they don't put it into practice in their everyday lives. They just want to fit into the genre that they think is cool. As people the band is a group of the nicest most positive outlooking people that I have ever met. They constantly put forward a model of decency and love for all of us to learn from. Many people would say, "do as I say not as I do." Not Life In Your Way.

I picked my head up from the deep thought that I had been in on the ride to the show and noticed that we had entered Connecticut. Home of the Sleeping Giant. Home of Life In Your Way. I still didn't want to believe it. This was the last road trip I would ever take to see my favorite band. My favorite friends that I only see when they tour through. I just pray that I see them just as much if not more now than I did before. Right when Waking Giants was about to come out, I hadn't seen Life In Your Way play in quite a long time. It had been too long. Too much had changed for all of us and when they finally came back through to support the album, I got the bad news that Dave and James were leaving the band for other projects. Fearful that, that would be one of the last times that I got to see them, I lost myself in the music. I talked to john after the show by their trailer and started tearing up like a baby. I just didn't want them to end it that way. Not having an older brother my entire life, I feel like the guys in Life In Your Way filled that void. And I didn't want to see my older brothers fall apart like that. They openly listen to me and all my bullshitting. I know sometimes I can be a handful to deal with and I'm glad they deal with me, but I digress. Waking Giants came out and I've never been so excited about an album and it did nothing but impress me more than I ever thought imaginable. The progression musically and lyrically. The growth of their style individually. It was all magnificent. I couldn't stop listening and still can't stop listening to that album.

We rolled into Danbury at around 4 pm and just mulled around for a while. Bands were already there and about loaded in. Kids started showing up by the dozens. The show was sold out. 400 pre-sale tickets were sold prior to the show. Kids were being sent away at the door with glum expressions on their faces. It was a family reunion vibe around back with all the bands and friends of the bands. Everyone knew each other. I remembered almost everyone that I've met over my years. The guys in Wrench in the Works, Jay, LIYW, all the dudes in Our Last Night and Gray Lines. All old and new members of all the bands. If one thing seemed the same amongst all of them it was that they all felt as if they couldn't believe it was over. They wanted to be sad but couldn't. They were leaving on such a positive note. They were finishing on their terms. We were all just so proud of the band and all its accomplishments. We rejoiced in all the good that they had done in our lives. All the bands played through all technical problems and fantastically. But the night wasn't about any of those bands. It was about Life In Your Way who played probably about fifteen songs. The beginning of the set was plagued by sound board problems but was quickly replaced. Talking outside with Daryl from Wrench in the Works during the intermission, we discussed how Life In Your Way always had these problems. How Life had a way of testing all of us. Why should the end be any different than the middle and the beginning. The character built from the moments of great distress will make us stronger individuals. Will prove our worth to the world. From here I could go into a detailed synopsis of each song, how it went, how they killed it. How they made it pop off. How every voice in the building was singing along. But you already know what happened. The important part is knowing that the band was alive. They were saying goodbye. They were rejoicing in the night and thanking all the people that have supported them for years. They were unselfish until the end, but everyone there knew that it was about them. We were all there for them.

We walked outside and just talked to all our friends. We hugged and laughed. Some of us cried, which was fine. We all respected each other as people. We were one big family. All those that bared witness to that night will forever remember it and will forever have a void in their hearts where life in your way once sat. The ride home was quick and silent. The cool summer nights air blowing through my hair. The noise of cars passing by on the distant side of the parkway. Headlights and white lines. The Rear view mirror showing the thousand of miles of hard road behind us and the thousand miles of hard road ahead of us. I wouldn't want it any different though.

I leave you with this thought: Talking to John Bradley outside by their trailer in a similar situation as last time but before their set he said to me, "Bob, thanks so much for coming. Not because we want to be selfish and force you here, and not because you felt like you had to come, but because you needed to be here, otherwise it wouldn't feel right for me." Brotherhood. That's the only word that comes to mind when thinking about what all the guys of Life In Your Way meant to me. The strongest bond among the human race is that of friendship, of love, and "Love is here now that you're at your end."

There are so many stories, so many people with different experiences. Mine is just one.

It's like you're never good enough. It's like people just mock the things that make you unbelievably happy. It's like no matter what you're never the best you're always somewhere at the bottom struggling to keep afloat. You work and work and work and nothing gets better. I drive around town from time to time late at night praying for a car to veer into me driving at a high velocity, take me from myself. Take the life I have yet to live from me. Sometimes I pray for some estranged disease to overcome me and take me to the bottom of a six foot hole. I am no one. I am nothing. I'm not even a good person anymore. I just want or need something to prove my worth. Something to test me. I ask for it everyday, but nothing comes. I'm tired of living the way other people want me to.