The shot heard through the dead of night. I curled my head close to my knees and clutched the pillow that I had been resting my head on. I had no bed frame, no box spring, no mattress. I was just glad that I had a roof over my head. For that split second though, I wished my roof resided in a safer part of town. This is life on your own, no money, minimum wage.
I once had a friend of mine talk about the essentials of life. He said all a man needs to live is running water, a television, high speed internet, a cellphone, a refrigerator stocked with cold beers and a freezer filled with microwavable hungry man dinners. I had none of that, except for running water, and yet I felt complete. I didn't need the essentials because the essentials didn't get man through the ice age. The essentials didn't help man evolve into what some scientists call the "superior species." They didn't hunt food, grow crops, create the foundations of government and they sure as hell didn't instill in us emotions like love and hate, fear and security. The essentials evolved from man's want for easier living. So as far as I'm concerned, the essentials aren't that essential. An unbreakable spirit is the only essential I need. I think it was Frederich Nietzsche who once said, "He who has the why to live can overcome any how," or something along those lines but the premise is all the same.
I woke up the next morning refreshed, as if I had slept for three days. I stumbled shirtless with nothing but a pair of pajama pants on through the white walled apartment to my bathroom. It seemed that this place was either a prison or salvation, I hadn't quite made the decision as to how I felt about it yet. Regardless, I began brushing my teeth. I couldn't help but stare at myself in the mirror. "God Damnit Gerald, you need a shave." It's all I can do to keep myself sane. "God Damnit Gerald, you need a vacation and that black eye is atrocious." Moments when I talk to myself. That's the only time when I'm understood completely. The only time where I make perfect sense.
I turn on the shower and wait for the water to get warm. It's cold at first but starts to create steam as I wash my face in the sink. I know its warm now and hop in while pulling the shower curtain shut. As if it matters, there's no one else here. After scrubbing thoroughly to get the crusted blood out from under my fingernails from last nights fight, I take a few moments and enjoy the warm water. I take some time to enjoy the idea that I might be cleansing my soul in those showers. Somehow every morning, I start fresh. I was the sin off my skin and hope that all is forgiven. I soon lean forward, both hands on the moldy tile and I start to cry. Everything catches up to you. Everything winds up catching up with you sooner or later. It's finally caught up with me. I'm finally realizing where I've been, what I've done, who I've lost and it hurts.
I pull myself together and realize that I need to get to work. Work is walking two miles to the local grocery where I stock shelves for $7.50 per hour. Work is stupid fucking people who can't figure out for themselves where the oat bran is. Work is important sacks of douche who bullshit on their cellular phones because they have something so important to tell someone that can't wait until they get home. Life is Work and work is stupid fucking people that give me a bad attitude. Two miles of this, ruining my own day before I get there. I walk up to the front doors and stop right at the entrance. My manager is standing in front of me and shoots me a dirty look because I'm five minutes late. "I Quit!" I shout and drop my apron at the front.
It never stops raining in my head.
I lost my brother and now I'm losing my mind. Wish.....
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