Over-exposed, Desperate, Searching, Dieing, Learning to be better.

The wandering man of the Desert Sands.

Endless.

The son is born to an empty home, born wasted on sedatives and cheap booze. Turn blue by the age of three. Over exposed, carbon-monoxide, smoke. Cooking dreams in your bed pan. Sleeping lifeless in your old shed. Just so his father can't get him. Twisting the tops off batteries. Stealing spark plugs just to escape. Can you feel it swarming. The warmth curls up through your legs and blood drips from your nose. Are you asleep yet? Praying for blood clots just to save an explanation in the emergency room. And we are blackened souls. Trying to find our way home. Every word is a dark road. Every road is a false hope. And sometimes I feel like we're finding something better, but I digress.

It's finally over....

...this Semester at least.


So it's been a few days since I've last made any contribution to this blog and I feel like I don't have much to say these days. Is it interesting to know what my life has been like these last months? Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Maybe people just don't care and that's fine. I don't write in this thing for other people. Just to give updates to people who give two shits about me on how I am doing. That I'm alive and well or not so well.

Anyway, Christmas is only a few days away and I'm excited. There's something about the holiday season that makes me feel good. I mended some rips and tears in a few relationships that have recently been torn. It's always great when you can make amends without saying anything about it because everything that could be said was already said. Therefore, it just fixed itself. The holiday season also makes me remember all those who we've lost in the past years. My Grandmother, Mother Hayden, Mike Mazz, Jay, all the families that go without these people this year, and how I almost lost my own mother around this time of year two years ago (Who knew that a 30lb benign tumor could have been growing in such a small woman). It was probably the worst Christmas ever, but we pulled together and made it work. I also realize how some of my friends have really grown up and have improved there lives drastically and how they should know that all of their friends and there loved ones are really proud of them.

It's also my nephew's second Christmas and I think I spent my entire life's savings on buying him as many gifts as humanly possible. The holiday's are really for the kids and they deserve to have the most special christmas' ever. Complete with holiday traditions, large feasts, and tons of toys. I wish it could be true for all children but unfortunately it is not. It's time's like these that many of us don't realize or just don't care that there are a large portion of people living in poverty. I want to make a difference. I will make a difference. Will you do the same? Me and Graham have made a decisions to do a large amount of work at camps for terminally ill children and to travel to other countries to teach English at schools for children. I hope it all pans out for us. Hopefully we can do it.

...find hope in the most awkward of places.

Through the Marsh Reeds

It’s apparent that the seams are falling out. Things are not well, things are not alright, and I just want you to know that it’s ok; I’m bound to come out fine. When you get this, I’ll be gone, when you get this, I may be dead, I may be alive, I may be a combination of both. It’s the summer and I’m freezing cold, isolated from the mind, flail the tongue, and hope for sun, It ain’t what it used to be, It ain’t anymore. Time has mended us separate hearts, this time, this time, When you read this I may be seeing the same stars you’ve been telling me about for years, where do we fit in, we haven’t been ourselves for years, and I’ve been dead for years, The fire no longer burns inside. I need to find my place.

Get up and Go! Doesn’t matter where but if you feel that you need to get there, let your feet lead you, leave your heart and head behind.

I want to be the Alchemist, who finds glory in the desert sand, I want to be that explorer who discovers uncharted land, but the world's shrinking my friend, and It's about time we start packing it in.

The Lives We Lead.

Empty Body, Empty soul, And I am right here, and I am right now.


I read this recently on someone's myspace. I don't want to name names because I don't know if this makes me a creeper for looking at this online in this blog. I just read through it and thoroughly enjoyed the entire thing. The part below stuck out though:


"My choice to get tattoos had nothing to do with a woman with a pearl necklace and an overbearing Mother, they were not intended to offend the elderly who tell me I'll never get married looking the way I do, they had nothing to do with attracting members of the opposite sex, and were not meant to make me look "tough". Want to know something funny? I don't even like tattoos. I don't read tattoo magazines, I don't like tattoo culture, I could care less about other's people's "ink". So why is there so much ink embedded in my skin? I may lose everything I ever own, everyone I ever know, but I will always have these images to remind me of the past and set the direction of my future. These markers of time and place and mind that I cannot escape even if I want to, which I don't, because I like who and where I am and if that ever changes then I deserve whatever pain or humiliation comes my way. Perhaps I am not explaining this well, and I'm not sure if I can. These are not just random pictures picked off a wall. These are pieces of me, guides, maps, promises, and confessions. An oath of permanence. A rite of passage in a society that offers none. An association with a culture in a society that has forgotten what that means." -myspace blog kingdom





...and this is my hell.

TO Wandering Souls

You're going to wander and find something new, and love it for a while just to get bored with it, and then you'll wander again, and get bored again, and nothing is going to be up to your standards. Angels will become demons. Every mile of road put to your back is a memory that you don't want to remember. You'll zig zag around the globe, and try to find another void to fill your own. Will your feet ever get tired. I say wander until you find the right fit for home. How will you know if it's the right fit if nothing meets your standards? You'll just know. Just another long December. The winter makes you laugh a little slower.


I look at creativity like a well you would dig to get water. A lot of people think there's one well, and that it's dried up. What you don't understand that if you work hard and put a little effort into finding a new well, new creativity can be found. Find a new well, or die of dehydration.

BE WELL.

There's room for you...

And sometimes my mind wanders between you and time. And sometimes I think about how we could just drift for miles out to sea. And sometimes I think about how we could drown and it'd be alright, for me at least. I filled myself with loss and lowered expectations. I've filled myself with gloom and sorrow. I let myself feel sorry for myself. I've been mistaken for strangers by my own friends, and sometimes I don't even know me anymore. I find myself in you. I find my happiest moments in you. Yet I barely know you. Yet I don't know who you are. But I know, with every ounce of me, I know. I knew when we met on a dusty road under a canopy of false hope. I've watched the loss, and I've felt the loss, and I've been alone. I just want to know that I'm not alone anymore. I am promises kept. I am foolish in the face of love. I live in a small room, with a kitchen, and living room. My bed is a single, and it's warm. If I move close to the wall there'd be room for you, there'd always be room for you. Just to find sleep. I don't have much but I'd give it all. Promises Kept.

This song is for anyone who's lost all hope.

There was a time when Love could solve anything

Now I just want to pack my things and move on. Find a place to call my home, where I can rest my tired soul, move out west and find my Gold.

You go far enough west, you'll be right back where you started.