Observation

If everything I did was a work of Art then I wouldn't be fucking stuck here.

Two steps outside steel framed doors with smudged glass windows with the hand prints of a thousand miserable college students on them, I'm met with the smell of cigarette smoke. Standing no more then ten feet from the doors are small cliques of junkies, hovering together for warmth, shivering as the wind blows past them. One hand on their menthol cancer sticks, the other hand entrenched deep in their hipster coat pockets and their lungs curled up in small black balls of dust. I am the opiate to the masses. I am cynicism. Ten steps further along the concrete walk way is a line of cell phone wielding jetti knights of technology. Their fingers texting. Their mouths moving. Occasionally you get the blue-tooth jerk city douchebag who thinks he's better than everyone else and doesn't realize that people don't understand why he's talking to himself. Some people are talking about all night ragers complete with drunk sorority girls who love to take their tops off if you give them the right equation of alcohol and marijuana. Others are less extreme and merely discussing college issues with their parents or friends. "Can you believe that they won't honor the classes I took in community college?" "What was he thinking last night, who did he think he was talking to?" "I'm good mom, don't worry I haven't been mugged yet." God must surely love us to make us so important.

I never look up because that's just looking for trouble. The last thing I need is a conversation with a person I don't particularly care for and decides that he or she wants to rant to me about how life has some way come to fuck them over. Guess What, I've got problems too but I still try and keep my bitching to a minimal (My room-mates would tell you different though). My body begins to lose the warmth it had attained sitting in a climate controlled classroom listening to peoples uneducated opinions on world politics, historical issues, and religion. I still force myself to listen and to try and understand in a non-abbrassive manner because I feel that a free exchange of ideas without persecution is the only way in which we will evolve. Brain-washed and lost but I digress.

I zip my black northface jacket up to my chin and pull my hood over my head. My eyes wander back down to my feet until I hit the road. At that point my life is in danger, crossing that road at any time during the day is similar to the old Arcade game, "Frogger." People peruse along that road like it's a racetrack. Still on their cell phones. Still thinking their important. Still neglecting to monitor the road. I couldn't wish a big enough car accident in order to open their eyes. Nothing fatal, just enough for everyone to realize that their's a problem. No one will ever acknowledge that they need to change, that's too real. That's saying that you have a problem. That's realizing that you need help and in our warrior culture asking for help is a sign of weakness. The wolves that have been knocking at your doors for years will eat you alive. The herd will not acknowledge your existence. You will just be another causality of the war outside your pretty houses and white picket fences.

I cross the road without incident and step down a mud laden path where my black and white slip ons look dirtier then usual. I reach the pavement parking lot and begin banging off my shoes for some reason. It's a habit, if theres dirt in the crevices of my shoes I need to knock it off. Stamping my feet as I walk, I notice the proportion of litter that graces every small nook and cranny off the beaten path. For the most part their beer cans and cigarette butts but occasionally you'll stumble on a condom. Whether it's used or not is a different story, I refuse to get that detailed. I step back on the second dirt path I have to walk to get to my apartment complex. This part of the journey doesn't contain too much mud and is uneventful. I finally reach my apartment building and someone is parked in our parking spot. I have to go hunt them down so my room mates don't have to do it. I knock on the door, the girl answers and I ask if she could please move her car within the next hour. She looks at me sort of befuddled and says, "You guys don't ever use it though." I replied with, "We are today so if you could just move it within the next hour it would be much appreciated." "Alright," she says, "but you don't have to be rude about it." I started to laugh and I guess she just didn't get it so I had to say something. "I was under the impression I was being nice but if you want I can be a dick. I'm sure I can call the towing service that works for Campus Crossings and have them move it in the next hour." Needless to say, it was moved.

Finally getting back to my apartment, I rejoice in the warmth that is emitted by the vents in my room. I sit down and enjoy the fact that I'm done for the day, the weekend. Then I realize that I have to do it all again next week. I am the opiate to the masses. I am cynicism.

Adapting to Damnation

I should be reading, but here I am again. The new age idiot box. It seems that I sit in front of this screen and zone into the encoded messages sent in 0's and 1's. What are they saying? Is it about me? Are they telling the world what I'm doing? Are they Laughing at me? I am the smirk of discontent on the face of a child who just doesn't get his/her way. I was asked the question today by a teacher today who asked, "Bob, What are you going to do with your life?" I faltered to answer and now all eyes were on me. I had to think about it and I realized that I don't really know, So I responded by saying, "For the last 21 years of my life I've been going through the motions." "How so?" She asked.

I gathered myself and decided to reply in the easiest way I could. "Well, I was always told that I had to go to school. So I did. I was told that I had to sleep at night and work during the day. So I did. I was told to eat my vegetables, So I did. I was told I had to graduate High School and go to College, so I did. Then I was told that I had to pick a career, so I did. I was also told that one day I'd get married and have kids and I'll probably do that too. I followed the outline that was given to me, never stepping out of place. The only thing I've ever done that was 100 percent for me was my band, but even now I feel like it's become a repetitive ordeal where I just go through the motions. I was herded into a straight line where I chose a few twists and turns but i was always just herded forward. But to answer your question definitively, I have no idea, but I was put here for a reason. I was put here for more then just the normal."

Class ended, we all filtered out of the classroom. I thought about things for a while and how for the last year and a half I was so depressed, over what? Yea I cared and I gave two shits about it and maybe I still do but why? Because society tells me that's what I'm supposed to feel or because that's honestly the feeling I had within me. Sometimes I don't know. What I do know is that it's the best for both of us and maybe we'll cross again but I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Every person whose left me has taken a part of me because I put everything I have into relationships (that's why I have had so few, I can't keep giving it and getting let down).

Off to the gym.

Adapting to Damnation

Everyday passes with no accord; we share the light and process the adaptation, maybe we can step forward, from the bottom we burrow, and sink, and decompose. Fall deep into the shadow, and fear the comfort lost when you’re still part of your own skin. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore, in massive migrations we burrow to the center, to the center of the hollow earth. And they tell me the life I live comes equipped with consequence.

SIDE NOTE: If you are into the band Blacklisted I recommend reading their blog on here. Here's the link (http://www.imwithblacklisted.blogspot.com/). I gained a different perspective and a renewed love for that band. It is real and it is what hardcore should be.

May the skin I wear be that which shields me from the world.

I live a life of misconception and misery.

Living. Adapting. Evolving. Surviving.

Everyday is a new day and I like to treat it that way.

Endless possibilities.

School started today. I'm already really tired. I should start reading though. Not used to waking up so early.

I found crop circles in my sheets.

GIVING TWO SHITS FROM SO FAR NORTH SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! ROOM FOR ONE MORE!!!

The glint in your eyes is fantastic. I see it every time I fall asleep. I see the breathe leave your lungs and I watch as I inhale just to hold you closer. Am I deeper then any ocean. Am I bluer then any sea. Am I larger then any mountain. Climb closer and you'll see. I wish this was high school. I wish this was a movie. I'd make you a mix tape and you'd know how I'd feel. If only I wasn't ten million miles away. Maybe not that far but it feels that way sometimes. You make me excited to open my heart.

What is our generations great frontier?

I stopped in the middle of my desert and dropped to my knees. Was I giving up? Far from it. I was merely resting my soul. My feet felt fine and could have moved on for miles without feeling tired. They're far too calloused to know pain, but I stopped to soothe my wandering mind and my tired soul. As sweat dripped from my brow, I began to feel the blood rush to my head and things started spinning. I sat upright and took deep breathes of dry warm air and opened my mouth as if tasting the wind. Grinding my teeth together as if i was chewing it but tasting only the grit that had been blown up onto my tongue. My soul began thinking out loud while my body listened, as was often the case at that point in my life. My soul said to body,"Is life a dream that too many restless bodies have traveled? Should I die here? should I let go of you friend and search for better?" My body replies coolly but my heart and mind race to keep their composure. They can't believe the injustice that is about to be carried out by my soul. My body collects the power of all limbs and begins to speak, "If you feel that you must find a better path, if you must see a world without us, you may go. I will bury myself here with heart and mind - waist deep in sand - and I will wait three days for you to return. If by that time you are content with what you've found and have decided not to return, we will lye down and die leaving you to your adventure." With a nod, my soul was off while body, heart, and mind began to dig. Two hours later, waste deep in sand, we felt the warm sun beat down upon us. Tearing at the flesh that covered us. We waited three days there. Hopefully awaiting soul's return. With no water, no kind words, not one ounce of hope we remained buried and wasting. We spent long nights cold and shivering but with each other, buried up to our wastes, salvaging every scrap of fresh air that we could. After three days, soul returned. Unhappy with what he had discovered, he began to speak, "Everything on this earth has been corrupted by man, we have no great frontier to discover or explore. We might as well die here together." Body quickly replied to soul, "There is one frontier that man has yet to taint soul, do you know what that is?" Soul was elated, short of breathe he asked, "Where is it? We must go there?" As cool as the air that swirled through my hair, body replied, "This great frontier that man has yet to corrupt as long as we don't allow it is within this body, deep inside the depths of mind, beneath the steady beats of the heart and held in each and every person's soul. Our great frontier is ourselves." And forward they walked.