I went to a wake today. I'm never good at those things. Life's been good for me but has come to test others in ways I could not begin to imagine. So why do I have to be happy while others hurt.


The stinking filth under my fingernails,
dirt coiled beneath them,
so I bite them lower.
In public I curl them into small balls,
into small fists wrapped tightly together,
hiding them from eyes.
I bite and bite until they sting,
I tear at the skin until its red and raw,
The hurt lets me know I'm alive.
I remember when I first started,
Sitting in the library in second Grade,
bored and uninterested in learning.
I began to nibble, and spit the chips to the floor,
I felt the pain of fingernails cut too short,
they bled for the first time.
No longer stinking filth underneath,
but dry blood crusting the edges,
embarrassment still coating my face.
I bite them not out of nerves but out of boredom,
I bite them sometimes to feel the sting,
All because life is living itself around me.
I am not living,
No Not Yet.
What a filthy habit I have.



I walked in,
Black Shirt, Black Slacks, Black Tie, Black Coat,
The feeling of remorse on my face,
The feeling of "I'm Sorry" and "My Sincerest Condolences."
I held you in my arms,
you hurt more than I could imagine,
I try to find soothing words,
There are none.
Your mother is gone and there's nothing I can do.
"She would never want me to quit,"
I cut out, I am no good at these things,
"She loved me so much."
The cruelest of places are when you are settled,
Right before you're going to sleep,
Sitting up at night wondering, thinking, pondering,
life and its mysterious happenings,
nothing but why's, why me's, and why her,
My heart sleeps with you on those nights,
May a part of me lay restless to soothe you to sleep,
May your God be generous in giving you peace,
In giving those you love peace.
We Used to play ball together, and joke,
You had a fire about you, you played hard,
Continue to play hard, because life's hard,
It doesn't recognize winners and losers,
just those willing to fight until the end,
and those willing to give up without incident.
You said there were no words to describe it,
There still are none.