Building Cathedrals

Long winters spent on Sunday mornings praying at the alter, praying for the fear of heart to subside, I dig deep into the literature written on my hands, and all it says, “fear not the others.” I was branded young during the age of inconsistency, left alone with a desert blanket to keep me from the cold, I decided then that I was going to be an outsider, to walk a million miles of hard road, but we’re all tested, in our own ways, are we worth the skin we inhabit? Some questions will be left unanswered, those that prove themselves will be given armor to lead legions against the oncoming wave of rising tides.

This feeling stays with you, the feeling of emptiness. You will never get rid of it until you go out and search for the means of filling the hole. And all I choose to ask is, does fear still drive you? The wrong answer can put you a million miles away.

I've been busy so I haven't been able to respond to this one yet. I think people believe that no one relates to them for one of three reasons. The first is because they want to believe that they are the only ones that are feeling a certain emotion and want to be significant in some way. This in turn leads to the second reason, to want to be noticed. I've noticed over my years that usually people get attention through claiming to have it the worst. If someone else is in the same boat as them, they lose their significance, so they pretend and believe that they are the only one's who have life tough. The other reason is that they may have some sort of chemical condition that actually makes them feel or makes them believe that they are the only ones feeling a certain type of pain or depression. Ultimately though, I think when people are depressed they feel like they are on a different planet. They don't seem to feel as if they have anyone to relate to, so they stay isolated. If they looked to talk to someone or to look around them they would easily see that they aren't the only one's who feel that way.

To answer questions regarding what I mean by work:

I think most of the work that I need is mental and physical. It's important to be strong and feel strong (yes I did just steal that line from Into the Wild but it's true). If only the saying, "it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's inside," was true. Unfortunately the first thing people see is the person on the outside. The persona, the thing that people get to see but never get to really know. This leads to preconceived notions about a persons character and worth. Not only that but people are judged on their looks which is adopted through the adaptation of societal norms and changes with each culture. It's natural selection, our bodies are our peacock feathers. The nicer it looks the more likely people will get to know the inner self. But I digress, to be physically strong in a world that is stuck on this concept of beauty is to promote mental sanity. To be physically strong is to give confidence that I may be able to overcome any physical obstacle put in front of me. Maybe it's my "super-hero complex" but I feel in life we are tested to prove our worth. Will we be able to rise to the occasion or fail to act in moments of great controversy. Which raises my next question, do you believe that we go to hell for the things we do or the things we don't do? Or is it both? I do believe that it was Martin Luther King who said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and conveniences, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Moving past my vanity, Mentally I must also sharpen my mind as to create a better understanding for the people who are around me. Through the study of cultures, history, literature, math, science, religion, etc. I can then begin to understand how the world works. I then can have a better understanding of how to treat my fellow human beings because I better understand how they act and why they do the things they do. To be mentally strong is to be able to discuss any facet of life, no matter how controversial, in an open forum without fear of persecution, alienation, and physical force. How am I going to tell someone their wrong if I've never been in their position, grew up in their world. The only way I can come close is to study the history of cultures and current cultures, create opinions, and be open to others opinions. Through this open forum we can take two opposing opinions and possibly come up with a synthesis and start to create harmony or just realize that we just agree to disagree and move forward from there. To be mentally strong is to come to grips with my emotions, my physical surroundings, my body itself and build a strong foundation so as to create stability within my life. My self-esteem has personally be low for my entire life, well since I stepped into a social setting and was reminded of it everyday. People are a vicious breed with sharp teeth to cut us deep. So you either have to let yourself sink and drown or learn to swim really quick. Still to this day I'm reminded that I'm not tall enough, I'm not funny, I'm chubby,not fast enough, not athletic enough, my writing sucks, I'm a terrible student, I look terrible. Regardless if these analyzations on my life are correct, they have a great impact on my mental view of myself as a person. Everyday I wake up and wonder what I'm doing with my life. I wake up and ask myself, "Bob what are you going to do today to turn it around?" I go to bed at night wondering why I sat and did nothing. Why didn't I make the change. Why didn't I do something different, that wasn't routine. So needless to say I'm just mentally not strong enough for life or maybe it's just because I haven't been tested to my limit. But until then I have to improve myself in order to prove myself down the line. Basically, I still need a lot of work, I'm not perfect means that I just need to get strong, feel strong, be strong. Everyday I wake up I have to make myself a better person in some way. Otherwise, what's the point of even waking up and living. I've already died. Hope that answers your question.

Adapting to Damnation

I man made of fear and flesh, stand before the light, with guilt to stain my teeth, I speak truths. Driving at 85 miles per hour, my head is pounding, heart racing, white dashes, white dashes, you have no idea how this feels, should I take it off the beaten path, and plow head on into oncoming traffic, this is the unbearable, this is the death of kin, I am made of only flesh, and for this reason I bow my head to misery, the constant crutch that catches me, is the smile you emit when I'm around. The only crutch that's keeping me here is the mornings I wake up and you're well, we are dying to care, we are dying to feel, burning the candle at both ends, rather burn out, rather run out of track, but for some reason I can't quite get that far.

Picking my brain

I tried to write this yesterday and I posted it but nothing happened so I'm just going to assume that no one can read it. I actually sat down last night and discussed these very questions with a lot of old friends. I came to the realization that I'm not happy with what I've accomplished so far because I've held high expectations for myself from the very beginning. I guess it's my Napoleon complex. I want to conquer the world and nothing less than that will be satisfactory. I do know that I'm content with where I'm at but I'm not satisfied. I want to keep driving to do better things. I've been able to tour up and down the east coast and meet a lot of new people but I feel like that I haven’t yet been able to do exactly what I wanted on my terms. Don’t get me wrong, I love every second of it. I want it to never end but I need a lot more. I’ve also had the privilege to coach baseball and work with some phenomenal baseball coaches and players but I don’t want to be placed in a mold. As for how I personally feel about myself, I think that I’ve rounded out to be a decent human being who is filled with a range of emotions that sometimes get the best of him. I still need a lot of work, I’m not perfect. I’m no one special, just a loser who was in the right place at the right time and got into a band that became semi-popular in New Jersey. The only regret I have is that the relationship that meant something to me got bogged down with distance and the band and fell apart and I’m still not a peace with it, even after two years. But things happen for a reason I guess.

Plans for the future. Wow, I have a hard enough time deciding what I’m going to have for breakfast in the morning, let alone to tell you where I’m going to be in the coming weeks, months, or years. I know for certain that I will be graduating in the Fall with a BA in History and then heading to Graduate school for my Masters in the Science of Teaching. I know what I want to do and that’s keep progressing while making music, constantly writing and analyzing the world around me, coaching baseball, and adapting to the constraints that slowly squeeze me into a mold. I want to hopefully walk a portion of the Appalachian Trail, work a Summer at Hole in the Wall Gang Camp, Keep touring, start teaching, and find someone to start a family with. Although most of it seems like it may never happen, I’m going to keep pushing to make sure that I keep progressing and keep bettering myself as a person both mentally and physically. I hope that Answers your questions and I hope to hear more from you soon. I wish I had more to say, It’s just a tough question to answer without completely opening up and letting everyone know where I’m 100% at, I’m not ready for that kind of commitment yet. But I gave you about 80% and as time goes on It’ll be less and less. Talk to you soon.

-Bobby

I still am.

ch 7 in the future.

Losing self to self

I tried to cut you out like a cancer but you keep growing back. I just can't seem to rid myself of the feeling that I made a mistake. That I wish you were still part of my life, like you wanted. I wish I could have been a better person, just at the time I didn't think I could be friends with you. I loved you too much or maybe not enough. If that makes sense. I just didn't want to see you with anyone else. I wanted it to be us. I understand though that you needed to try new things but I just wish I still had you in my life. Somehow I think it'd be better if you were. You made so many attempts to reach out to me and I just shut you out of my life. I'm sorry for that and I understand why we don't talk anymore. I guess we're just too far gone. Life hasn't been good since you left.